Welcome to The First Years of Marriage Newsletter! We talk about the conversations, challenges, and changes that begin once the honeymoon ends. Advice from experts, mistakes from me (Jen Glantz), and things you’re going to want to know as you continue to ask yourself this question - “I’m married, so now what?”
This week is all about keeping the SPARK alive in marriage
(and what the heck that actually means)
It’s in my DNA to eye roll at a person when they give me advice in the form of a cliche.
Maybe it’s because I’m an Aries and we don’t like following advice or because I’m super big on words and cliches just make the hairs on my skin stand-up tall like mini Q-tips.
You’ve gotta keep the spark alive, Jen!
Someone said that to me the other day when I told the person that Adam and I have no problem burping (or farting) in front of each other.
I stopped hiding those things from him YEARS AGO.
This friend was repulsed!
“You don’t make an effort to pretend you don’t do those things?”
“Ohhhh, yeah, no. I don’t make that effort at all.”
“Then how are you going to keep the spark alive?”
“It certainly won’t be by hiding my burps!”
I rolled my eyes.
My friend rolled my eyes.
And then I asked a very important question that you might want to know the answer to.
“What the heck does it even mean to keep the spark alive?”
My friend fell silent. Took a sip of coffee. Began talking about a new zombie Netflix show instead.
What the heck is the spark?
Some will define it as that pulse of excitement and infatuation you feel at the start of a relationship. The “chemistry”, the butterflies, the heart taking a dive into your personal pool of joy.
We all know that initial spark morphs after a few months.
It goes from spark to serious and you find yourself feeling things other than excitement for that person.
Sometimes, you feel a quiet sense of calm, other times frustration, maybe some annoyance, usually, always, love.
So perhaps by the time you get married, the spark morphs into a full-fledged candelabra, where every single candlestick takes its turn burning strong, fading off, and having to be re-lit again.
What I mean by that is this:
The spark in marriage is a combo of many different things - from how that person shows up for you and how you show up for them, the moments you get to do fun stuff after many moments of boring daily stuff, the times you go from being so annoyed about how they clip their toenails and leave the droppings in the sink to finding yourself just laughing about that and letting it go….
How does the spark disappear?
So many things.
Often times, right after marriage and for the next few years after that, people have to make some humongous life decisions.
Kids now or later?
Move this year or next?
Combo our finances or leave them separate?
Switch careers or remain miserable at the same old one?
Go to couple’s therapy or refuse to admit things are sluggish?
That’s one reason why the spark may dwindle, dance away for a little bit, or simply make you question if there was ever a SPARK IN THE FIRST PLACE.
You also might feel post-wedding depression or anxiety.
You might wonder what’s next for you and this relationship?
You might even see other people around you on social media and compare your relationship to their constant pictures of them with their spouse using the hashtag #allsmiles.
Either way, know this, the “spark” can mean a million different things and it means something different to everyone.
Don’t feel so much pressure to be in SPARK MODE constantly, okay?
Can you get it back?
I’ll be back in your inbox on Wednesday with 7 ways you can keep the spark alive when things are feeling dull. I promise to work hard to give you tips you’ve never heard before. None of that generic stuff. I’ll bring the good stuff.
See ya then!
Love you (for as long as we both shall live),
Thanks for Reading This!
New here? Welcome.
I’m Jen Glantz (virtual high-five!!)
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