Love Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry
Tough words to say? Get used to saying them.
Welcome to The First Years of Marriage Newsletter! We talk about the conversations, challenges, and changes that begin once the honeymoon ends. Advice from experts, mistakes from me (Jen Glantz), and things you’re going to want to know as you continue to ask yourself this question - “I’m married, so now what?”
There are things In life I am happy I often forget.
Especially overused cliches about LOVE that people say, when they have nothing else to say, that mess with our minds.
"Love is patient."
“When you find the one you know.”
"Love conquers all."
The other night, I was venting to a friend about stuff and the friend said:
“Jen, ya know, love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
Excuse me? I wanted to shout back at this friend but I’m trying something new, something very new and hard for me, which is:
When I don’t have something nice to say, to just not say anything.
So I let silence pull up a barstool at our (not so) happy hour for a few seconds, cracked my knuckles, and replied:
“Please, tell me more about what that means.”
Silence kissed us both on the cheek.
“Oh, I don’t know actually. It’s just a thing people say.”
Stop Using Cliches in Love
Why? No relationship is the same as another and plus, hearing something like:
“Love means never having to say sorry” makes a person in a relationship feel really guilty and horrible when they’ve made a mistake and feel like they can’t apologize OR makes them have a false sense of reality about how relationships function.
LOVE MEANS ALWAYS HAVING TO SAY SORRY.
Like always. Sometimes daily. Often times more than you ever thought.
“Having the courage to admit culpability in hurting another actually takes tremendous strength.” - Joan Herrmann
Research shows that the benefits of saying “I’m sorry” far outweigh the objections of a non-apologist.
An apology is crucial to emotional and physical health. It has a noticeable positive effect on the body and can actually affect bodily functions — blood pressure decreases, heart rate slows, and breathing becomes steadier.
An apology validates the feelings of others letting the person know he or she has been heard.
An apology re-establishes dignity for those who have been hurt.
An apology makes people feel comfortable with each other again.
An apology lets someone know the same behavior will not be repeated.
An apology shows regret for having caused another pain.
For fun, I’m going to write out a lit of 5 wacky ways you can say sorry if you’re going through a moment in your relationship where it seems like you’re saying sorry more than any other word.
Hire a Skywriter - you see those when people are proposing or confessing their love. How about when a person wants to really portray just how sorry they are? I did some research here for you. This starts at $3,500. Big budget for a big sorry? Not worth blowing your savings account on this but keep it in the back of your mind if you ever become a billionaire. Imagine saying sorry like this every single time? Eh, weird.
Hire a Singing Telegram - imagine in the middle of an argument that just won’t end, someone knocks on your door and that someone belts out a song only using the word sorry? Unsure how much this will cost (you could beg a friend to do this for free) but there’s a 50% chance it could backfire - so use with caution.
Write it on a Cake - if someone got me a Carvel ice cream cake (with extra of those chocolate crunchier) with “Sorry” written out in icing, you better believe i’d accept their apology - or at least offer them a slice of the cake in exchange for a convo about what the heck is going on.
Make Their Life Easier - think about one thing you can do to make their life easier. Let’s use another cliche here (one I like): actions speak louder than words. Making their life easier might get them to believe just how sorry you are.
Use a Different Word - I’d guess that a couple who is together for 60 years probably uses the word sorry 789,739 times. Pick another word. Here’s some I stole from the thesaurus:
The truth is = love means always having to say you’re sorry.
Marriage is one long apology for the same old thing.
But that doesn’t mean your marriage has problems.
It just means people’s expectations are off, or a mistake has been made, or one person hurt the other.
It can mean A MILLION THINGS.
Just know, it’s okay to apologize in life, in love, and in the pursuit of happiness.
Love you (for as long as we both shall live),
Thanks for Reading This!
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I’m Jen Glantz (virtual high-five!!)
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