Welcome to The First Years of Marriage Newsletter! We talk about the conversations, challenges, and changes that begin once the honeymoon ends. Advice from experts, mistakes from me (Jen Glantz), and things you’re going to want to know as you continue to ask yourself this question - “I’m married, so now what?”
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
After I got married, a lot of questions FINALLY stopped.
I’ve been with Adam for six years and it felt like every single year that we were together, the questions people asked grew seemingly more personal and annoying.
How’s the relationship?
Are you going to mess this one up?
Think you’ll get engaged?
Is he the one?
Why is it taking so long for him to propose?
You know you have to start thinking about kids now? You’re getting old!
When’s the wedding?
I’m invited to the wedding, right?
Why don’t you have a plan for the wedding?
You’re really going to let the pandemic cancel your wedding?
My response was usually a locked-jaw smile met with a swirl of my head and a noise from my throat that made it sound like I was pushing marbles.
I never knew what to say.
What I wanted to say was:
I DON’T KNOW!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
YOU DON’T THINK I THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS WHEN I’M ALONE?
People ask things for approximately one thousand different reasons. Sometimes they ask because they love and care about you. Sometimes it is because they are curious. Other times they are just making small talk. Occasionally, it’s because they need something new to gossip about.
I’ve learned, over the years, that people won’t stop asking you these intimate and frustrating-to-answer questions.
Sure, you can ask those people to stop or cut them out of your life - but it’s almost inevitable that Aunt Marie is going to completely ignore that feedback as she’s piling gravy on-top of EVERYTHING during Thanksgiving dinner.
After I got married, I shut off my phone for a week. I didn’t check my text messages, didn’t listen to my voicemails, and any email with the subject line: congratulations was an email I ignored.
I was avoiding the questions I knew people would ask.
I tried to run, but I couldn’t hide.
Two days after getting married, a women sitting next to me on a park bench, saw my ring, asked me about my relationship status (engaged or married) and when I told her we recently said, “I do”, she immediately asked me if I regret it…
“Regret what?” I said, thinking she was going to ask about bill I got from the florist that morning or how I left my second cousin off the email invite to watch the livestream of our nuptials over Zoom.
“Regret it… like getting married? It’s not all roses and butterflies,” she said, getting up from the park bench in a huff.
I got up too, my eyes spinning and my heart racing.
The questions are going to begin! The questions are going to begin!
I felt a cold sweat pour out of my glands.
And they are going to be more ridiculous than ever before.
It turns out, I was right.
When I finally turned my phone on, opened up those emails, read my Instagram DMs, the questions I didn’t have the patience to even try to answer tumbled into my life.
You too, I’m sure.
I’ve only been married for three months and I’ve been asked hundreds of questions that have made my eyes bulge and my mouth agape.
Here are 52 of the questions I wrote down over the last 90-days.
When are you having kids?
How much money did you make from your wedding?
Are you happy you had a wedding like you did or do you regret it?
Do you regret it? It? Like, you know, getting married?”
What are you going to do now?
Did you guys sign a prenup?
Are you happier than you’ve ever been?
What does it feel like to be married? AHHH you’re married!
Do you feel like anything changed now that you’re married or no because you guys live together?
Think you’ll buy a house? Move out of Brooklyn?
Are you sad the wedding is over?
You must be like SO relieved you don’t have to think about planning a wedding anymore, right?
Okay, but how soon do you think you’ll have kids?
Wait, are you pregnant right now? ::examines the diameter of my stomach:: OMG are you pregnant?
Can I see all the pics?
The suburbs are calling! Are you ready for cul-de-sacs?
Honestly, you’re the last of my friends to get married. Does that make you feel old?
Quite a bold choice what you wore to the wedding. How do you feel about your decision not to wear a dress?
Why didn’t you go on a honeymoon? The pandemic shouldn’t stop you..
Now that you’re married, what do you talk about all day?
Do you ever miss being single?
Are you changing your last name?
Why aren’t you changing your last name?
How does Adam feel about you not changing your last name?
Don’t you think it’s offensive to your husband that you’re not going to change your name?
You’re married now. Why don’t you ever wear your ring?
Do you want people to think you’re still single?
You’re 33, right? Do you think it will be hard for you to get pregnant?
Has the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship faded yet?
Did you know 50% of marriages end in divorce?
Can we still get you a wedding gift?
You’re married now, so I’ll probably never see you again?
Do you even know how fertile you are?
Think you’ll have problems getting pregnant?
Is everyone asking you when you’re going to get pregnant? But really though, are you trying?
What’s the best thing about being married?
What’s the worst thing about being married?
Is being married everything you thought it would be and more?
Are your parents so happy that their little girl is married?
Are you glad you waited as long as you did to get married?
Do you ever wonder if you’ll get divorced?
If you could do it all again, what would you do different?
You need to start dressing like you’re married, you know that, right?
Want to meet some of my married friends?
Oh you’re married? I thought it was a joke.
I can’t believe you’re married! I thought you’d be single forever. Did you think so too?
Do you think you’ll be less fun now that you’re married?
Did you get married because you are secretly pregnant?
Do you want kids?
What does marriage even mean anyway? Why does it matter?
Think you’ll grow old together?
You know I’m a divorce lawyer, right?
Recently, someone asked me how old I was, if I was considering having kids, and if I knew that ‘time was not on my side’ all in just a 15-second conversation.
I couldn’t hold back any longer.
I swallowed a large sip of hot coffee, the heat of the liquid traveling down my body like a spark of courage, and said:
“You know what I don’t know? Why does it matter to you?”
I wasn’t talking to a family member or a dear friend. I was talking to a women sitting next to me at the nail salon. Someone I didn’t know and would never see again in my entire life.
“Oh well, it doesn’t matter to me, but honey, these things should matter to you.”
Welcome, my friend, to The First Years of Marriage, where so many people will try to tell you what to do, when to do it by, and how to feel.
I’ll never do any of that.
Instead, I’ll be your spot to laugh it off, share personal stories, expert advice, and make you realize even if you feel alone, scared, sad, excited, or a combo of all the above, this newsletter + community will never make you feel alone.
Love you (for as long as we both shall live),
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***think, think, think***
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The topics we explore inside of The First Years of Marriage are relatable, important, and not always so openly talked about. Chances are someone you know is eager to hear about one of these topics.
The newsletters include expert advice, tips, and information that would cost a lot of cash to get during a consultation or even an appointment with some of these professionals (My friend, who is a divorce lawyer, charges $700 an hour for the advice she gave me for an upcoming newsletter).
We explore such a variety of topics every single week that anyone who is a subscriber has access to valuable content they can refer to again and again - whenever they need it.
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Google searching this information can often lead you down a spiral of an adventure (mentally and emotionally) where you start by asking the Googles a question, end up on your ex-boyfriend’s new wife’s Instagram page, then onto Amazon, where you buy another face roller that you just don’t need, leaving you forgetting what you Googled in the first place.
The stories I share here are extremely personal, raw, and real. They are meant to be relatable to those out there feeling any of these feelings.
People’s inboxes need more valuable things and less emails from Macys.com.
Your friend will thank you for thinking of them! Really - they will!
Did I mention it’s a free newsletter! Everything these days costs you money. Not this!
I am really passionate about this and putting my entire self, heart, and time behind bringing this newsletter to life (and into your inbox). My goal is to get this information out there to more people who need that gal pal friend sharing tidbits of honesty, help, and heart about all the different dimensions of the first years of marriage.
Your help in sharing this is tremendous. So thank you, friend, thank you.