Does Love Language Really Matter?
A frequent debate turns into a week-long challenge
Welcome to The First Years of Marriage Newsletter! We talk about the conversations, challenges, and changes that begin once the honeymoon ends. Advice from experts, mistakes from me (Jen Glantz), and things you’re going to want to know as you continue to ask yourself this question - “I’m married, so now what?”
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Everyone tells you how communication is key in a relationship and I agree.
But sometimes I get frustrated with words.
I’m a writer and professional speaker. I love words! But sometimes, especially in marriage, words feel like a hush of silence when the same ones are said over and over again.
My husband and I argue about the same three things on repeat, as if you were watching clothes tumble dry.
When one of those topics enters the household, I find myself repeating the same monologue that I’ve spoken over the course of our entire relationship. The words don’t get across.
Perhaps a marriage therapist would tell you that it’s my tone or that I need to say things different than I’ve said them before.
But whispering or switching out the occasional curse word for something more soothing, still doe not change anything.
One of our ongoing arguments is around showing care.
“I want you to show you love and care about me more!”
I say that because I am the kind of person who needs extra sprinkles of adoration and love. I use that as fuel. It gets me through the days.
“Okay, I will.” Adam says back but it’s never a good enough answer.
I’m great at spotlighting problems, but I’m not so fabulous at presenting solutions.
That’s why I decided…
If communication is key, what if we spent a week speaking each other’s love language.
Here’s what I mean.
What’s Love (Language) Got to Do With It?
“Nearly everyone wants to show their partner that they care. Yet, many people struggle to do it in a way that speaks to their heart. If you find that this describes your situation, you may want to learn more about the Five Love Languages. History has shown that learning how your partner receives love will help you know the best way to demonstrate your love and caring.”
Developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, an author and counselor, the Five Love Languages are:
“The likelihood that your partner's love language is the same is unlikely. So, when couples have different primary languages, there are bound to be misunderstandings. Conversely, if your partner learns to speak your love language, they often feel loved and appreciated, and ultimately happier in the relationship,” says Dr. Chapman.
Meet the Love Language Results
Honestly wish pizza was one of the love language results but it’s, of course, not. So that’s my secondary language and always the #1 thing that will cheer me up.
But here is a little look at the five possible results to the Love Language test.
Words of Affirmation
This is a person who adores praise, words of affection + encouragement.
What you can do for this person: love notes, fun little emails, nice text messages, compliments, sending them voice notes, just saying a sweet “I love you”
This is a person who just wants you to shut off your phone and turn off Netflix. They want to spend quality time with you even if that’s doing nothing at all.
What you can do for this person: make time for them, listen to them, send them a calendar invite to just sit beside them, find ways to let them know you’re there for them - even if life gets really busy.
This is a person who craves touch (holding their hand, kisses, etc.). They want to feel close to you and have reminders that you are there.
What you can do for this person: This is an easy and free one! Anything as simple as putting your arm around them.
Acts of Service
This is a person who feels love when another person does things for them, even small things like the laundry or restocking their favorite seltzer.
What you can do for this person: make them their favorite dinner, take on a chore, or just helping them with a challenging thing in their life.
This is a person who likes gifts, whether bit or small. The art of getting something means so much to them.
What you can do for this person: write a list of their 10 favorite things and make it a habit to shower them with little things throughout the month.
The Love Language Challenge
After you and your partner take the love language test, try this:
Do 1x thing per day, for the next week, that speaks to their love language. It’s a good way to be selfless, shower them with what they love, and truly see what makes them feel endless amounts of joy.
Give it a try and let me know how it goes!
Ps. My love language, is of course, WORDS!
What’s yours? Hit reply.
Love you (for as long as we both shall live),
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