Welcome to The First Years of Marriage Newsletter! We talk about the conversations, challenges, and changes that begin once the honeymoon ends. Advice from experts, mistakes from me (Jen Glantz), and things you’re going to want to know as you continue to ask yourself this question - “I’m married, so now what?”
The #1 reason people break up, 85-90% of the time, is because of finances.
Want to know who said this?
AKA Kevin O’Leary (from Shark Tank).
While he’s known for his bluntness on the show, he carries the same approach when it comes to relationships.
Here’s a believer in something called:
Relationship Due Diligence
Just in like in business, before someone invests or signs on the dotted line to acquire a company, they will spend many months looking into everything - from finances, to the leadership, the history of problems and the scalability errors , and so much more.
Should humans do the same before they get married?
"Why not do the same due diligence process to marriage as you would to the risk you're taking when you make an investment?"
O'Leary's "three year rule" says that you should wait at least three years before marrying your partner to make sure you’re on the same page with finances, and alllllllllllll the other things.
He said he did double due diligence, waiting six years before marrying his wife Linda.
Okay, but let’s say you are married and didn’t do any of that.
Can’t reverse time but you can consider having conversations (or updated convos to see if anything has changed recently) about these topics to get on the same page as your partner:
Financial: goals, habits, investments, strategies, and future plans.
Family: kids vs. no kids, timeline to try to have kids, etc.
Home: where to live, rent vs. buy, how to afford the down payment + mortgage
Communication: how you share good news, not good new, problems, and arguments
Experts & Professionals: who do you need to hire to improve life (accountant, real estate agent, marriage therapist)
Love: what can you do to keep the spark alive? What can you stop doing?
Health: what does it mean to be healthy now, in 6-months, in 6-years?
Bucket list goals: what are you both excited to do in your lives?
Career: how do you see your jobs evolving, changing, growing, pivoting?
Other: what else do you and your partner need to get on the same page about ASAP or at least have an exploratory convo about?
What other types of questions, convos, or topics should a newly married couple explore for that post marriage “due diligence”?
“When you get married, you're going to lose half your assets; you're going to force liquidation of your assets in a break up of a marriage. You better make sure what you're doing when you form that bond. That's a legal bond, and it's no different than forming a corporation."
I know that sounds like quite the business-like way to approach love, but maybe it’s necessary or at least a realistic way to look at all of it?
People get married for so many reasons (more on that later).
But the most common one that people lead with, admit to, or share openly with others is that they are getting married because they are madly in love.
Which makes any newlywed couple ask themselves, after the first few years of marriage have rocked their wold in so many unpredicted ways, if love is enough?
If life should be treated like one big game then perhaps love should be treated like a business.
I know that sounds un-romantic but maybe it’s something to think about when we’re thinking about what makes a relationship survive over time.
After listening to Mr. Wonderful preach his relationship strategy, I heard him say something that made me slow clap to myself:
“Love is one of the greatest gifts that human beings can have for each other. But if you look at love over a period of time, it evolves and changes. Look at the relationships of people whose marriages have survived and it’s always because love is JUST one component of it.”
I know i’ve only been married for a few months but I just want to scream this quote out loud because I feel like it has to be true.
Love is what gets you to start building a life with another person. Life is what makes that love feel complicated, stretched, and always evolving.
It’s the other things that matter too.
So what matters to you (and your partner)?
Love you (for as long as we both shall live),
Thanks for Reading This!
New here? Welcome.
I’m Jen Glantz (virtual high-five!!)
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